The Feminism Problem (Part I)

To begin, allow me to say that I am PRO-WOMEN and believe in the feminist movement. I feel strongly that women deserve equal opportunities in the workforce, health care, politics and should not be discriminated against anywhere/anytime. I am pro-choice and vote that way consistently. In fact, the plight of women (particularly in the third world) is one of the largest geo-political challenges our world faces. These are realities that I am informed of and am sensitive to – and are not the focus of this article.

This is not an angry article from a guy with a few scars in his past. But, it’s rather an attempt at objectivity towards social dynamics, the dating scene and relationships vis-a-vis the feminist movement here in the United States.

This series of articles could offend or ruffle feathers. If so, it’s important that we avoid knee-jerk, unthoughtful responses, and attempt to think on this topic with a new openness and objectivity. Understandably, this could be difficult. But, in my opinion, this is the elephant in the living room. It looms large in social circles, social dynamics, dating interactions, and in intimate relationships. It is time now to begin the process of understanding this elephant and then develop a means for evolving past it.

I am a dating coach for men, so in writing this article being objective is a challenge. Allow me to state then that I have been working at this now for nearly a month, cutting and scraping away as much as possible saving only what seems to have value and the feel of truth. Also, I work with men almost daily on cultivating a more empowered, healthy lifestyle which will enable them to relate with women in a more healthy way. I am very acquainted then with the feelings of powerlessness, guilt, anger and shame which plagues a large selection of our men. I also struggle regularly with my own challenges, and in plotting a course for evolution for myself, and my clients.

Let me begin by honoring the great work done over the years by countless, hard-working women to carve out equal rights in many areas which were previously unfair. The movement has allowed for the protection of women in cases of rape and domestic violence, made available maternity and voting rights, and rights in the workplace.

But, I cannot help but notice a startling consequence that seems to occur in intimate relationships between men and women. Since the rise of feminism, the divorce rate has dramatically increased and men are quietly developing an unhealthy anger towards women, a resentment at a new disenfranchisement – the unfairness and inequality in the cultural, social and dating circles which is profoundly stacked against men. We are now seeing a growing circus of men acting this anger out in horribly destructive ways with potentially devastating consequences.

My thesis is: Feminism, and the subsequent assertiveness of women, has led to a profound polarity shift between men and women, and has led to an unhealthy inequality in dating and relationships. It has also fostered a tremendous amount of anger between men and women. First, women are still reacting from the historical anger of being unfairly treated for so long. Second, there exists a growing resentment of men towards women for their clear advantage in the social, dating and sexual spheres.

Both of these angers are real phenomenon in this current culture. One is historical, and nowhere close to resolved (understandably). The other is contemporary, and will only get worse. This anger is palpable, and is a harbinger of worsening times, unless there is a movement of evolution PAST it.

You might be surprised to know that my proposed solution to this is not for women to ‘back-up’ and change. In fact, it seems to be that women have raised the bar for men, and we simply have not caught on and evolved in harmony with them. Truthfully, women often display more masculine traits in relationships simply because the men have forgotten how; lost in a haze of guilt and laziness, masculinity is a forgotten trait. I believe it will be up to men to resolve this extraordinary dilemma. But, more on that later.

Lets first begin with some numbers which support this thesis. Here’s a graph which reveals the shocking increase of the divorce rate since 1950.

(Source: U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services)

The first wave of feminism was in the late 19th and early 20th century. This successfully fought against male ownership of women and voting rights (amongst other things). Clearly, this work was invaluable and vitally important to fulfill the doctrines of this, and other, free-minded nations. But, it is in the second wave where we see the problem develop.

From the 1960’s to the early 1980’s, the second wave of feminism caught fire and spread here in the US, and then around the world. Betty Friedan’s classic, “The Feminine Mystique” was released and argued against the sexist power structures that existed (and still exist) in the workplace, politics and entertainment. One of the themes in this work is the idea that women are the victims of an identity crisis, which was forcing them to place their children and husbands in the center of their lives. Friedan felt that it was wrong for women to lose their ‘self’ in this structure, and that it was time to fight back. It is at this time that the divorce rate began to dramatically increase (Figure 1).

“The Feminine Mystique”, amongst other things, led to the birth of the phrase “Women’s Liberation” (1964), “Bra Burning” etc. The rub though seems to be in the interpretation of gender roles and biology.

Some feel that gender roles are purely a result of social conditioning while others feel that there are biological implications within them. Based on your individual opinion of this question, you will likely view a woman’s role in a RELATIONSHIP very differently.

Here’s my opinion. There truly are legitimate and verifiable biological implications within the sexes that shape a relationship. In fact, in the healthy relationships I see (which are rare), these biological factors are mostly honored and the true nature of both genders is magnified and enhanced by the other leading to a stronger connection, a greater sense of acceptance and a more natural (less-forced) intimacy between the pair.

The issue is that the assertiveness honed within the feminist movement is often at odds with this biological truth between men and women. Men have become more passive in their relationships, and the women have filled this assertiveness gap by taking charge.

And, to further get this biological truth, lets look at some of the most primal dynamics within male/female interaction, the act of sexual union.

Biologically, what happens? The male asserts himself – quite literally – INTO the woman, who receives him. Regardless of the position or pose, it must happen this way…this is undeniable.

Traditionally, the male was the one to seek and hunt for food, to protect the home and to direct the family’s course through the challenging world. The female was the one to nourish the family, care for the children and home and inspire and support the man. Even though the lifestyle illustrated is antiquated, the biological truth remains.

In other words, a man – by nature – is the assertive/directing/focused one; the female – by nature – is the receptive/nourishing/radiant one. There are clearly differing scales and levels between individuals, but in general, this is true.

David Deida, in his seminal work “The Way of the Superior Man“, describes the difference very well:

“The ‘mission’ or the search for freedom is the priority of the masculine, whereas the search for love is the priority of the feminine. This is why people with masculine essences would rather watch a football game or boxing match on TV than a love story. Sports are all about achieving freedom, such as by breaking free of your opponent’s tackle or barrage of punches, and about succeeding at your mission, by carrying the ball into the end zone or remaining standing after 10 rounds. For the masculine, mission, competition, and putting it all on the line (indeed, facing death), are all forms of ecstasy. Witness the masculine popularity of war stories, dangerous heroism, and sports playoffs.

But, for the feminine, the search for love touches the core. Whether in soap operas, in love stories, or talking with friends about relationships, the desire for love is what appears in feminine forms of entertainment. The feminine wants to be filled with love, and if the bliss of real love is not forthcoming, chocolate and ice cream – or a good romantic drama – will do. The masculine wants to feel the bliss of life lived at the edge, and if he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself, he’ll watch it on TV, in sporting events and cop shows.”

David Deida boils the question down to its spiritual essence as two differing forces. The quest for freedom (male) and the quest for love (female).

Over the years, this biological truth has been more and more distorted for a “socially acceptable” one which is the result of an unfair cultural system which needed revising. Women certainly deserve a fair shake in business. They absolutely need voting rights, and equality under the law. But, how does this profound socio-cultural shift impact social dynamics, relationships and family life? How has it reshaped the mating dance between men and women? What results can we see from this movement between men and women?

Women have become the dominant sex in the social, dating and sexual spheres. They are pursued and are the ones who choose their mates. They are often the dominant one in the relationship, and are often the one who determines the course of the family. Men, on the other hand, have become more and more meek and passive. A man must pursue a woman in order to date her. He must ‘ask her out’, for example. The man is also usually in the back seat when it comes to the decisions of the family, going along for the ride – more a passenger, than a driver. Sexually, it is usually the male seeking more sex and the female controlling the keys to the kingdom.

These generalities are so obvious to most that these themes are played out on nightly television and movies. This has become the new stereotype. The natural, biological polarity has become distorted. Thus, we see the divorce rate skyrocket in the last 40 years, most pre-marriage couples not surviving and we frighteningly see the outbreak of disastrous and angry male subcultures.

Contemporary relationships which survive often involve the man assuming a passive, accepting role and the woman assuming the more dominant one. The male, with few to zero female options in his life, must make this relationship work in order to fulfill his biological need for reproduction and the social demand to be married and grow a family. This is not to say that these biologically imbalanced relationships do not contain love and communion, but the polarity is profoundly distorted leading to a marginal happiness and intimacy. It leads to meeker men, and hardened women.

As a case study, lets look at Barbara and Joseph (names changed to protect this couple’s identity). Barbara is a hard-driving corporate executive. She is known as a ball-breaker, and is very successful at what she does. Joseph is the former CFO of a large internet startup which went bust a few years ago. He has since been hired as a consultant at a major investment bank and does fairly well. Barbara is the primary breadwinner and Joseph definitely contributes a lot financially to the family too. Barbara is very active in women’s issues, and speaks/presents at women’s conferences all around the world. When she does this, Joseph stays home and watches the 3 children and holds down the base camp.

She is much more successful that he is, which is not necessarily a problem. On the surface, it seems fine to have the woman as the primary breadwinner. In fact, it IS fine. BUT, these two individuals lack the grace and intelligence to handle it. The consequences are that both complain endlessly about the other. They fight often. Barbara comes to work angry at her husband. Joseph feels misunderstood and disrespected.

When they met, Joseph was a charismatic graduate student at Harvard while Barbara was pursuing her undergraduate degree in business. Joseph was clear on what he wanted to do in life, which was to be a very successful businessman – he was focussed. Barbara was attracted by this focus and determination. Meanwhile, Barbara was also pursuing a career in business, and radiated a clear, feminine beauty of openness and warmth. In the insuing years though, subtly and imperceptibly, their roles changed. Joseph got cozy in the relationship and began to bask in the stability and comfort of it. Barbara became very involved in women’s issues, her own business and the lives of her kids. In fact, she has said on more than one occasion “If it weren’t for my 3 kids, I would leave him for a younger man!”

Barbara is the more masculine of the two, and Joseph the more feminine. It didn’t used to be that way. The original polarity of attraction has been lost and replaced with resentment. Now, the couple gripes and complains about the other on a daily basis. In fact, many couples are this way. We must ask ourselves, is this the best we can do?

Another case study invites us into the lives of Daniel and Jennifer. Daniel owns his own marketing business while Jennifer just graduated college and is looking for a job at a not-for-profit. They are a younger couple and want someday to get married. Daniel, over the course of a year though, lost his focus. He slowly became disinterested in his business and lost the elegance that true mission-based focus can give. Instead, he dropped into ‘survival’ mode, and found himself chasing just enough money per month to live on. Jennifer though discovered her purpose and began to pursue it with passion. The polarity of their relationship shifted. Slowly, Daniel began to give his power away…more and more. Instead of his purpose and mission ‘feeding’ him, he began to seek that food from Jennifer and the relationship. Sensing this, Jennifer began to pull away and eventually broke up with Daniel.

Here we see the abandonment of the masculine mission by Daniel, and Jennifer assuming that posture. Again, this is a fine dynamic, but not if the primal, biological polarity is the reverse. Instead of evolving then, this relationship began to devolve into something easier, less elegant and lazy.

The final case study for this thesis is between Roy and Jodi. Roy and Jodi have been together for over 10 years, and are easily the most healthy couple I have ever witnessed. She is one of the strongest women I know, fully devoted to Roy, her job and her two kids. Roy runs a studio in Manhattan and is likewise fully devoted to Jodi and the family. She is the quintessential Shakti, and pours her feminine essence into her life unafraid of her emotions and honest living. He is centered, stable and balanced; rarely losing his cool and a man on a mission. His love is music, and he has found numerous outlets for that in theater and acoustic solo composition. Sure, they argue and fight from time-to-time. But, the feeling between the two is of love – always.

Here we see a man on a mission, focused always in its direction who ALSO loves and nurtures his wife and family. She powerfully radiates feminine energy, raising the children while also pursuing her mission too, to be an actor. But, Roy is the ground of the relationship, the earth while Jodi is the flower. He is the secure and stable ground while she is the radiant element of change. They complement each other while encouraging the growth and fulfillment of the other’s essence. The key here is that the relationship is in constant evolution and the polarity which initially attracted the other is magnified now 10 years later given the proper alignment within each to their biological roles and to the relationship.

This is an example of two individuals coming together in a proper polarity, and that being magnified over time given their devotion to themselves and the relationship in a healthy way. She is certainly not repressed, and he is absolutely not in denial of his nature.

Based on these three case studies, we can now elaborate this thesis even further: 2 individuals come together due to a certain polarity. We could call that “attraction”. As long as that polarity sustains and evolves, the relationship will survive. However, the facts do not support this. Why is the divorce rate RISING? Here’s why:

Men are behind women in their own evolution. The male gender has lost its way. We have shifted towards a passive, less driven and focused gender. We are often guilt-ridden, filled with sexual shame and anger and feel powerless when it comes to dating and relationships.

The result is a social power shift away from what could ideally be 50/50 into something more properly labeled as 20/80…to the advantage of women. When a man and a woman come together nowadays, we often have a polarity which wanes over time given the male’s lack of elegance and devotion to his aim in life. The collective guilt that has risen in men over the years prevents him from asserting himself in a proper way. He feels powerless and shattered. The result is a dangerous anger.

Women look at men more and more as the weaker sex. They often complain about their man, or about men in general. Woman also have their share of challenges in dating and relationships, but it is hard to argue that the woman’s challenge is greater than a man’s. Men must pursue, risk rejection, arrange and pay for the initial dates all in hopes that “she will like me” forgetting his own criteria and selection mechanism. The average guy is never pursued or desired, and feels that he must “get lucky” for anything to happen sexually for himself. He unhealthily suppresses his sexual desires, considering it bad or dirty, and wraps it in shame and embarrassment. He is often taught from an early age that his gender is responsible for most of the world’s problems, which coats him with a nice shade of guilt for which he often has no explanation for, nor a consciousness of. Men have forgotten how to access their own values and wants, and typically accept whatever woman makes herself available to him. His social life is immature and undeveloped, and he has no idea how to meet the right kinds of women for himself in a healthy manner. In fact, most men, being so grossly undeveloped, have no idea what sort of woman would be right for him; instead, they indulge a rich fantasy life which is based in a massively distorted ego which protects him from both accepting his lack of development, and from accepting that the Sports Illustrated models, or the club “hotties”, or the beautiful girl at work, might, just might, not be right for him. When he walks into a social environment, he is barely noticed unless he pulls off a stunt, dresses wildly, or is the guest of honor. Meanwhile, an attractive female enters the room, and she is instantly prized and becomes the unfortunate target of many of these unhealthy men. Most men feel disenfranchised, powerless, clueless and directionless. And most, though they may not admit it or even be aware of it, are really really really really pissed off.

The solution to this dilemma has absolutely nothing to do with women. We can not and should not ask them to change. Rather, what men must do – and I say must for a reason – they must rediscover their own power. The plague is powerlessness, and we must find the true, natural source of our masculine power while shedding the culturally distorted and socially stifling view of men in this day and age. This has nothing to do with marching into the woods with a club or hammer and “taking what is mine”. This has nothing to do with the massively confused concept of the “alpha male”. This only has to do with rebuilding a masculinity which both works for our time and our women, but that absolutely serves and empowers the disenfranchised male from the inside-out.

Women have raised the bar, and it is now up to us to meet them, or (dare I say) even surpass them in their development and evolution. This will be extremely difficult. Men are cloaked with an ancient pride which forbids the admission that “I need help”. This is the initial hurdle that we, as a gender, must cross. Many have made a half-admission already. We see the growing Pick-Up and Seduction communities as a sample of many men who are seeking an answer. The problem is that these communities, of which I am intimately familiar, are in fact exacerbating the original problem.

They are asking men to depart from themselves and become another, someone “better”. This is the ultimate alienation, and one in harmony with our time and culture. The result is always a sickened individual who is completely out of touch with himself, he is massively uncomfortable and “dis-eased”. The distance created between who he, in fact, truly “is” and who he has now become, is expanded creating a psychic gulf of disturbance and confusion.

This movement is the angry, bitter reaction to the “Feminism Problem”. It makes sense that men, lazy and out of touch as we are, would try to fix this initially with their anger and seek a ‘quick fix’. It is an attack to the front, when the strategy should be more indirect, and to the side (so to speak). Men are baited into the community with promises of power and success, and often become even more disenfranchised and angry at their lack of success. Most, in fact, feel a secret alienation from their true selves when faced with a solution that asks them to perform gimmickry and present themselves in ways which fall far from their radar screens. Also, men know on a subconscious (or semi-conscious) level that these actions are objectifying women and it feels ‘good’ given the level of anger and bitterness each secretly feels within. The man’s anger subsequently increases, as does the woman’s. And now, we’ve only opened up a larger gulf between the sexes, creating more resentment and anger, increasing the distance from the destination.

Most “pick-up artists” will tell you it isn’t so, that what they are learning or teaching is male empowerment, and giving guys the ability to choose. I say that they are feeding men illusion and preying on their resentment of the “social situation” by promising results “now”. Nothing this grand and epidemic can be solved “now”. No, this will take many years to reverse. Perhaps a lifetime or two. And for the individual man, he is likely years away from satisfaction. The redirection and solution he seeks comes in a drop per day, his common resistance is massive, and he hasn’t the slightest clue where to begin.

At a recent conference in Los Angeles, I made the following statement which completely explains WHY the Pick-Up and Seduction community are only exacerbating this immense challenge:

“If meeting, dating or relating with women, and the improvement of this area in life, is your NUMBER 1 priority you are already screwed”

A man in harmony with himself is devoted to a mission or an aim which is larger than his relationship, or eventual success with any woman. The truth about men is that, in our natures, we seek to accomplish great things. In our greatest moments, we are driven by visions of understanding and meaning. Perhaps it is to help people, to serve an area of science or medicine, to accomplish great things in art, to fulfill a dream of traveling the globe. A mission, or aim, is the only thing which can effectively begin the transformation from the needy, contemporary male to an empowered, autonomous, authentic one.

Again, I refer to David Deida, to elaborate on this point:

“Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, dissevers the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.

“Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority”

The problem most men currently experience is that the DO NOT know their purpose, mission, or aim. They were never even equipped with the skills to interpret this question within themselves. Also, culturally, we are constantly bombarded with images of women, and are judged based upon our abilities with women. We are laden with guilt and shame, and secretly feel that our masculine nature is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. Most men have NO self-esteem to even approach the question of aim or mission. Therefore, success with women becomes our number 1 priority. Our total internal disharmony prevents us from even seeing this, as it would shatter our already fragile ego completely. And yet, we display the number 1 characteristic of this sickness on a daily basis:

We Seek Validation From Women.

Only an aim or mission can truly validate a man. A woman cannot. She is the weather, the clouds, the ever-changing nature of the world. A man is the ground, the secure stable force to support this element of change. Making a woman the number 1 priority in my life is akin to trying to control the weather. It’s insane and destined for a tragic end. Years of failure with that would piss off any guy. The Pick-Up Community (with very few individual exceptions) is only replicating and expanding this problem. Those who teach it are typically more disturbed than the students, and yet are protected with small followings and devotees willing to go to the ends of the earth for the next innovation, the next answer, the next ‘fix’.

It is reinforcing the attainment of women as a number 1 priority. It is placing cement around this as an aim, and regularly reminding guys how “vital” it is to get this handled. And ultimately, it further distances ourselves from the goal of intimacy and connection by expanding the objectification of women. Healthy women laugh at Pick-Up Artists, as being “more of the same”. Unimpressed, they wander off fulfilling the masculine, assertive role in the gender wars of being focused, assertive and choosy. We, on the other hand, continue to chase our tail, growing only in neediness and anger, more unwilling than ever to face the truth.

A band-aid of gimmicks will not effectively resolve this problem. It can only be an elegant, sophisticated, grounded solution that will resolve our frozen adolescence and propel us forward. In part II of this article, I will outline this solution as I see it. It is not an overnight fix. In fact, for most men, it will be YEARS until a true transformation takes place. It will be slow, tedious and difficult. Ultimately, it will require a new open-mindedness and a willingness to be uncomfortable for long swaths of time. It is a new kind of danger. A danger to the ego, and to the self-image which protects from truly witnessing how small we are.

It begins with waking-up. Do I believe that I need this? Can I see that my dilemma is this large and this daunting? Do I appreciate the nature of this challenge? Or, do I prefer to huddle in my cave of delusion, angrily holding on to my bag of tricks, my tiny sack of self-esteem, and my distorted dreams of a grand tomorrow which have no actual destiny.

Think on these things and feel free to comment. Next week, I will open the discussion of the long road I see for our gender with four steps or phases which are the building blocks of a real, viable, lasting solution.

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36 comments… add one

  • Alex

    A very interesting and insightful article Stephen. I have personally experienced what you have written about. For so many years I was constantly looking for attention and validation from the opposite sex. However, eventually I realized the fallacy of behaving in this way. Although I cannot say I have completely rid myself of such symptoms today, I do strive to improve myself.

    Being open to new ideas certainly is a very important factor for personal development. Although what you have said may sound simple, not every person who reads this can comprehend to the full extent the significance of your words. I daresay that I have myself, for one cannot see past what he is able to understand.

    I believe that it is the realization of one’s situation and the application of sentience that will allow a person to understand this whole saga. Just the application of a purpose and vision is not itself enough to set one on the path to a solution.

  • Felipe

    Very well written, and I feel this definitely resonates with my issues. I’m excited to see the next part of this series, as it was already very empowering to read this first part.
    One thing I am concerned about is that you say this problem will take lifetimes to fix. That did not feel very empowering, as at the individual level, we are all doomed to continue experiencing this problem?
    Looking forward to the next post…

  • Stephen,

    I could not agree with you more. In fact, and you know this, as I also work exclusively with men (at this time), I have men move into the benevolent power position.

    In the benevolent power position, the women stays feminine, adores her man, and his male potential is enhanced and expands. It is a win-win for both man and woman.

    I also espouse that men should be the “CHAIRMAN of the Relationship” once again wielding their benevolent power. Women can *relax* when a man has his testesterone pumping so the woman can have her oxytocin guide her (it is all about those love biochemicals!)

    If a woman has to operate in the world of work (which is testosterone-driven) then she has to act like a man, fight for her place in man’s monetary world, and play by men’s rules to get ahead. She brings this home and into the relationship… but if a man knows how to “de-program” her by filling her love bucket, she can transform into a feminine loving woman on the spot!

    The program I have for men “The Man Class Series” is about how to satisfy a woman and fill her love bucket.

    And, last, my biggest wish for all men is that they become a MASTERMAN. Look up the definition on Urban Dictionary. If men stepped up to join the Brotherhood of Mastermen the energy flow between men and woman will improve (in a David Deida type of way).

    Stephen, you are a leader of men and a masterman. I am honored to know you.

    Sherrie Rose
    “The Love Linguist”

  • MM

    That was an intricately put together piece of work man. Good job! It is for us to take back our masculine attributes, and present them in everyday living as well(Attraction Code). It is much like the Yin and the Yang, as it will also be as the masculine/feminine polarity depends on the survival of the species. I also feel that when a man becomes a wuss in a relationship, a woman’s mothering instinct overpowers, and she plays the role of being his mother rather than lover. Thus, killing all attraction she had for him….
    Just a thought,

  • MM

    I need a female perspective on this, help me out Sherrie. Am I right that when a man stops being a man, the woman’s instinct to mother him overpowers all other emotions, thus, killing attraction for him….?

  • Imagine

    Incredible!! I’m totally compleatly agreed with you.

    i’m a single beautiful woman. Will you be my groom?
    I love you Stephen!!!

  • This is one of the most profound – AND TRUE – statements I have read in a long, long time…

    “If meeting, dating or relating with women, and the improvement of this area in life, is your NUMBER 1 priority you are already screwed”

    … and I’m sure it will create many a challenge inside minds and fights among “gurus”.

    I love it… lol.


  • Jon

    This is one of the most profound and well thought out article’s I’ve read. You’re the first person I saw talk about the conscience, or un-conscience, anger men feel towards women. I grew up around all women, and everything I was ever “taught” about how to treat women has lead me wrong. When I discovered the “pick up community” it changed the whole way I thought about women and garnered a huge resentment towards them. I began to realize the hypocrisy of what women say they want and what they really want. Unfortunately, I think a lot of men are gonna miss the deeper meaning of what you’re saying, seeing as me myself am still interested in the goal of “getting” the girl, rather than a bigger picture of total self improvement.

    To your point, I’d point out that the women in my family who want to have it all ways, being the tough modern woman, yet have a man treat them like a traditional lady, have a lot harder time getting a man than the women who act the tough modern lady, but allow the man to be the man.

    Anyway, maybe I missed your point, but I’m looking forward to part 2 and how to change this phenomenon.

  • Steve

    While I agree with some of your ideas here (like men too often are seeking validation from women), there’s a big assumption in your article. You try to link the divorce rate to “the rise in feminism” when there’s no definitive connection. You could also argue “there was an increase in the population between 1946 and 1962″ and say that the greater number of people in this country gave Americans more options for mating, which lead to the rise in US divorces. Yet both ideas can be challenged because we don’t know exactly what all the reasons were for the individual divorces in the chart you showed us. You’re making an assumption without the reasons. Just because two things happen over the same period of time does not mean one caused the other.

    Also, feminism in it’s truest sense is defined as the equality of women and men, not the superiority of either. Traits of leadership happen not because of masculine or feminine labels which we’ve applied. They grow out of a human desire to lead regardless of gender. Yes, we can look at traditions and say “that’s what men have done….and this is what women have done….” and believe that such behavior is supposed to happen a certain way. But looking at reality, we’re seeing that people today don’t behave exactly as they did in the past. People adapt and choose to change. The belief that “things should be the way they were” takes us away from handling what’s actually going on now.

    Instead of citing feminism as a problem, I say look at the individuals and the choices we make. Anger is a choice, just like any emotion. We might not always avoid anger, but we can draw upon what it means to be human and handle that emotion in a way that makes us healthier and happier. And being aware of something greater than our sexual/romantic relationships can help us feel better. I like that you encourage men to find their purpose; that’s a great path for anyone–male or female–to discover.

  • anton tolliver

    it seems you are good with answering thoughts etc. i too have or am going through the same ordeal ,however i see solutions through your writings…funny how we were thinking along the same lines ecept you studied history which made it all so clear.

    thanks alot p.s. and i ain’t no gimmicky type guy i grew up on cow boys and being active in sports or what ever guys did in the 70’s and 80’s and i don’t care for gimiky women.

    good day to you.

  • Vicky

    Totally agree with each and every word……..i have realised all this already……..waiting for part II……

  • Vicky

    One more thought that I have come across is that you can see that more and more people are developing this unisex consciousness. Females who have a purpose in life and men who are as socially understanding as women………This gives a new twist to these relationships where people are more soulmates than husband and wives……..have you come across this scenario ??

  • Some replies to the GREAT comments above:

    Felipe –

    It will take a long long time for a new structure to be in place in a socio-cultural sense. But, individually, we can evolve. In fact, we MUST evolve Felipe otherwise our children and beyond will have to pick up our slack. We owe it to them, in my opinion.

    Vicky –

    This scenario is very common, and not at all unhealthy. But, when the two are with each other – within the ‘home’ of their relationship – it is important that their polarity remain strong which can only mean that a pure connection of masculine/feminine is in place. For our purposes, as men that is, we must reassert ourselves and our masculine heritage. Many of us will need to learn this.

    Steve –

    You could be right that the divorce rate is unrelated to the rise in feminism. I’d argue against that, particularly since the divorce rate has remained high making it truly unrelated to decade trends, wars, politics etc. It’s a bigger shift than that.

    I’d rather though focus on the points you make in your second paragraph. In no way am I saying that things should remain the way they are. “Reality”, for many men (that I see/work with daily), is not working…thus we must focus on ways to develop – can’t change reality, but we can change ourselves to improve reality – to make it healther, do you see that? It’s important that this is clear to you.

    Men must now evolve to reharmonize with women – otherwise, we are sunk. The paternal/community structures are broken here, and we must now reinvent from the ground up (this will be fleshed out in a later article, within this series).

    Jon –

    In fact, self-improvement along a line which truly works and effects the self in a positive way, WILL attract women. For men, in this era, this must contain an understanding of masculinity & social intelligence and the development of both…any path which is void of this – for us – is incomplete. This is precisely why I focus on these within my 1-1 work and product line for men. I will discuss this further down the road though.

    Alex, Anton, Imagine, MM, Sherrie & the one and only Brad..thanks for the comments!

  • I initially came to the community after breaking up with a girlfriend since then I have read posts and books by various Pick up Artists. You are the first to look at the deeper implications.
    I agree mostly with a female friend (devout Christian, feminist) who says that we must move past equality and start to think about equity. Men may have lost ground by listening too much to what women say they want but women are also losing because they are unsatisfied with most of the men they meet. Their options are also shrinking. We cannot blame too much on feminism, women who work have enough money to leave an unsatisfying relationship. How many men can afford for their wives to stay home?
    In the words of Shakespeare, “To thine ownself be true, it will then follow that you will not be false to any man.” (or woman). Following a Deida’s advice, of having a mission, is attractive.

  • completely agree with ur all word……..i have realised all this already……..waiting for part II……

    This is one of the most profound – AND TRUE – statements I have read in a long, long time…

  • Kaarthik

    Hey Stephen ,

    Great Article .
    I have a question on what you have mentioned

    “On the surface, it seems fine to have the woman as the primary breadwinner. In fact, it IS fine. BUT, these two individuals lack the grace and intelligence to handle it.”

    Can you give us more insights on how this can be handled gracefully and with intelligence – in a relationship where the guy is masculine and the woman feminine.


  • The male must not take it personally, number 1. He must accept this fact that she makes more money than he. BUT, he must also remain faithful to his number 1 priority – his aim. The energy of attraction/polarity has nothing to do with how much money either makes, though we can often look at it that way. If the man is an actor, for example and his wife is a designer – she may make more money than he. But, if he remains faithful to his aim, he will maintain the necessary tension in the relationship – which is vitally important.

    This is the grace and intelligence I am speaking of.


  • G

    Hi Stephen,

    This is a fantastic article. I must say, I was a little taken back at first (since I did initially think it was going to be a women or feminism bashing article) but I must say that I was quite enlightened. Many of the things that you have said I have personally heard from friends (women) in trying to find their quality guy. Even though they can’t quite articulate exactly what it is that they are looking for, they all seem to say that they will know when they find him. But even though some have found what they wanted, in time…maybe few months…or even a few years, something changes and then I hear much of the same thing…the relationship changed and they didn’t feel “it” anymore. Whether one starts to believe that we men have become complacent in our safe haven and we change, no doubt something in the relationship changes. Whether one wishes to believe that the honeymoon period has ended or the “seven year itch”, the fact is more and more couples are breaking up. One local paper last January reported that as high as 60% of marriages end in divorce, but I think that figure includes common-law couples.

    But, placing sole responsibility on this phenomenon on man I believe to be a dangerous idea. The fact that some couples do in fact work through their differences means that there was probably some weakness in the failing marriage itself and where one or both parties give up. Every lasting couple into their 60s and 70s will tell you that their marriage did require work to keep it together. Think like a couple, act like a couple and therefore, you remain as a couple. When couples start embracing their former singles lifestyle, be it by way of their friends or their career, eventually their relationship fails since they time apart degrades their relationship to the point where they no longer have anything in common (i.e. no shared interests, no shared friends, no shared experiences together). Yes, I do see that much of what you have written seem to play a huge role in the 20th century male and that yes, perhaps we too have fallen a little behind the times. On the other hand, women have become far more organized and their roles have dramatically changed. Now, there are clubs and even Women’s Studies programmes offered in schools and other institutions. For the 20th century male, there has been a complete paradigm shift and, yes to some degree we need to catch up. But, the relationship between both parties needs to be on the same path in order for it to continue. Otherwise, what’s the point of being together?

    Thank you for that very well written article. Indeed it was thought provoking and did lend itself to pave a new path of thinking in our new and modern world.

  • Serginho

    Court records have shown that, depending on the demographic, the woman is two to four times more likely to initiate any given divorce.

    Not only that, but the increase in the number of divorces coincided with the widespread implementation of no-fault divorce, which became common in the early 1970s. Which in turn came on the heels of the feminist movement of the 1960s.


  • Imagine

    I keep reading your important article.It became my music. Can you please describe somewhere in your next article that we humans are not devine (We become devine with associating positive energy in our life time) and are not giong to haven after our death instead we are going to stay here on the earth with our physio-mental (devine or evil) energy forever. And also our brain is a cup of metal like any other metal and we can shape it at our will. In other word give us the wepons to kill the bad emotions that we have picked up unwillingly through our bad surcomstances in our life. Then became sufferer. Whose falt it is ? Definately not ours. We want clear solution, MAN.
    Can’t wait to read your part II.

  • Julie

    A couple girlfriends and I were talking about a similar topic the other night. That with the sexual revolution and women’s liberation began the disintegration of the conventional, traditional man and woman thing – namely- marriage. My friend brought up an interesting point about how men and women are now in the adolescent stages of finding an alternative way to relate to each other that feels good and works. (It will take a long time.)

    It seems to me, and granted – I live in Park Slope – the marriage mecca – that in the midst of all this equality and freedom seeking – there is a clamoring for the old way of being. People project such fantasy on being married and finding traditional roles within the new equality regime. But can we have both? My point is – women want to be equal, they want to have the same opportunities as men, they want to have sex with whomever, whenever but when they hit a certain age – they begin to clamor for what their parents had and lament when its not sitting there waiting for them. I think there needs to emerge an alternative to marriage.

    Stephen – you are the one that is always saying the solution lies within the heart of the person. I would submit to you that within every woman and every man there is masculine and feminine – some more than others. Rather than men embracing masculinity as a solution or women demurring to the leadership of their man – each person search their own heart to find out what dominates them – then look for their polarity in someone else.

  • Great comments Julie. And, I agree. Who knows, perhaps hundreds of years from now there will be an entirely new form or way that men and women come together in a relationship. I’m doubtful though about that, save the few outliers. More interestingly, your points about the masc/fem within each. I agree wholeheartedly, and submit that – at least for men – we’ve lost the ability to look at ourselves in the right sort of way and rediscover that which has been lost – masculinity. To your point, perhaps the same is true for women too.

    Park Slope? That’s where I live too. Are you a friend of mine undercover here?

  • Julie

    I suppose I am “undercover.” What is important I think is that I didn’t know that men struggle in this way. Before I read parts of your site – I kind of thought that men had it made in NYC. I have SO many girlfriends who feel kind of hopeless as well. There are so many attractive women in NYC that many of my friends feel neglected and unnoticed. Beautiful and smart women who haven’t been in relationships for years! Its so sad! What can we do about all this? I want my friends to be happy!

  • Men don’t have it made Julie…and nor do women – it’s a real conundrum for sure. I think the answer lies in cultivating a healthy social life and identity – takes a lot of work. And, it’s difficult for both in differing ways so it’s difficult to come together.

    As for what to do…ice cream socials – they always work ;)

    Happy Labor Day everyone.

  • Stephen, Your article is very informative and thoughtful. Since the 1960s women have entered the work force and are making enough money to choose to stay in their marriage or leave it if it is unsatisfying. Before the 1960s women had little hope of getting re-married once they got divorced. Many faced living alone or with their Mothers to survive financially. It was a “one-chance” marriage opportunity. This is still the case in India where a divorced woman is shunned. Thus the divorce rate in India remains low. In America after the 1960s woman and men for that matter were more open to re-marry a divorced person. I believe it is the increased opportunity for women to earn a substantial wage which might have contributed to their willingness to leave an unsatisfying marriage, and thus the divorce rate increased. I totally enjoyed your article, keep up the outstanding work!

  • One of the most enlightening and profound articles I’ve ever found in the community…Keep it up, Stephen. I personally like your articles very much.

  • Good stuff.

    This is pretty much on the money. The time is right for this wisdom. Men have been harbouring anger for some time, and this has led to some pretty sick stuff in our world today – shootings, paedophilia, reliance on porn for kicks.

    A real man is not opposed to seeing women have more of a say in society – it is, of course, gentlemanly to be fair to everyone of both sexes.

    But the ‘feminist’ movement has opened the doors for all kinds of laws, rules and regulations to feed vote-hungry politicians, leaving us with pretty thin ice for the male of today, ambitious or not.

    You’re correct, Stephen: we don’t need to bring women down again to level the playing field. Rather, we need to level the playing the field and encourage men to enter it again.

    Something needs to be done. Articles such as these help by making people more aware. I’ll be reading the follow-ups. Thanks for sharing.


    To freedom,

    Scotty Stevens

  • Hi. I read a few of your other posts and just wanted to say “good job”.

  • April

    “When they met, Joseph was a charismatic graduate student at Harvard while Barbara was pursuing her undergraduate degree in business.”


  • sean

    I disagree with the ‘dating coach’ here. He seems to be the voice of disorder and chaos here, not speaking in terms of both sexes which is the way anyone who is trying to ‘help’ others respect, treat, see, know, understand the opposite sex should deal in. There is no ‘science’ to anyt of this. I believe you can learn how to be a better man’ in a minor way, but most of it is already inside of you.

    No, feminism hasn’t caused a change in polarity. It has simply caused men to feel more insecure, more aware of their inadequacies because they are being taken to task, and more aware of the frustration women justifiably feel towards this pathetic male controlled society. f it makes guys do violent idiotic desperate baffoon things, so be it. They need to be put in a state of clarity. This sexism that has run rampant for ages is going to stop, eventually. The kind that has held women back and blamed them for all of man’s ills, all their lack of responsilities that they would much rather blame on women then hold accountability for.

    You think there is an imbalance tilted in favor of the female gender in social circles? Are you kidding me? Lemme enlighten you, women are at a distinct disadvantage, are paid less, not recognized as much as men for their achievements, treated poorly, cast in negative lights with all the double standards, and forced to listen to guys like the author whine when there’s one miniscule tiny thing in this life that a guy can’t control or hold the fucking power in. Again, are you kidding me. Women need to take power back and start being treated as equals. It will happen, enter our first female president, I can assure you!
    I am a stark male feminist and will continue to do my part to make sure all the insecure worthless pathetic guys of this culture continue to whine as the field starts to become for even, the scales tilt more even. And again, women will be treated the right way in time. Feminism is the ideal set of beliefs. And I completely feel for/understand/empathize with/know the plight women have been suffering for ages. Every singular guy who lacks character, decency, and anything inside of him will continue to try to put women down and hold them back, but they will fail.

    Whether you choose to be yourself, exert your true beliefs and feelings, and not care about how this male controlled society views you is the key. You have to be strong inside yourself. Confidence and lack of need for validation is so sexy to women. So is mystery, intrigue, a slow buildup to an emotional climax. You can be oh so vulnerable and emotional, yet still come across with your best foot forward. I am entirely in touch with and compelled by my own self-knowledge and it stretches to knowing the opposite sex as well.

    I have yet to truly read/heard any decent advice by a guy to other guys. If anything I will take a female’s belief system and fundamental feminist ideals over anything a man is going to spew in the way of treatment of women.

    I myself have always been different. I don’t cater to nor care about how other guys see me. I don’t care nor desire to care to measure up to some misguided ‘typical male’ macho sexist egotistical notion of seeing women as objects and having a predictable self defeating primary goal in life to have sex. The double standards in this and everything else in society are magnified because everyone seems to accept and glamorize it when guys womanize, when they have no morals, when they mistreat and degrade women. When they exert their so called male dominance and bring women down just to stroke their own egos and cover up their own insecurities and inadequacies.

    This is speaking to other guys here- Stop blaming women for your troubles, take responsibility! You are at fault, not any of the women who have rejected you. If you think about all the asenine, selfish, misguided, barren of empathy and emotion, words and actions you used with the women you were trying oh so hard to impress… tthen you might come to the realization that YOU would reject yourself too. Stop making the same mistakes over and over and own up to things. It is all inside of you.

    Just watch tv and you will always find a program where you see women attacked, made fun of, objectified, portrayed in a negative light. But what do guys get? As long as they come across as the typical fool, they appear ‘cool’ to other guys and even to some women. You find that on tv, on the net, in the real world, everywhere.

    If you don’t have it inside of you already to respect, appreciate, and hold women as equals, and as the amazing intellectual, emotional, passionate,desirable, talented beings they are, then no book and no teacher is going to help you change into a man who does.

    I love women period. I love them for everything they have inside of them. Yes I can appreciate the physical, but strangely enough I am always more attrcated to women on an emotional level. The little things about them that other guys are so clueless about can never see or pick up, but I do. Because they are visually oriented, and I ‘m not. In fact most of my feelings and emotions are very similar to that of females’. I need there to be that emotional connection or I can’t even get to the physical part. I have always been different and guys have treated me like crap, questioned my sexuality, and attacked me for similar things they attack women for.

    I identify, relate, and wholeheartedly hold a ton of empathy for women’s plight in society. The same issues that continue to plague them because of a male dominated society that degrades, objectifies, attacks, holds back, and trivializes female importance. I for one am not part of those problems. I make it my business to be part of the solution. And I am very proud to call myself a male feminist. And I I try to spread my beliefs around to as many as possible to get others to truly feel what they couldn’t conceive of before.

    It’s not just about getting yourself a better facade/mask/game so women will like you. It’s about showing them that you get it. Through your actions. And that you are authentic, genuine, and that your emotions overshadow the same boring predictable selfish egotistical controlling male pretzel logic that makes most guys appear as the jackasses they trul;y are within a few minutes of spending time with a woman. It doesn’t take a female long to read you. And I’m the same way, I am led by my feelings, and go with them on everything. I read people and situations extremely well and possess more than enough empathy to truly understand/feel what females do. That’s why I never needed to read any books, or use any gimmicks to help me.

    I have the rarest personality type in the world btw, which is INFJ and that is why I am this way for the most part. If you are into jung psychology, read about that personality type and you will see the natural insight it gives me into women and that I am actualyl very close to clairvoyant on many levels.

    I just ammyself, and if they don’t like me, too bad. But most women appreciate me as a person and if it goes further, cool. I make them live up to my standards just as they do to me. I am picky and do not settle for trapppings of good looks as I said before. I am more than capable of playing my male role, but at the same time I never get in the way of them playing an equally as meaningful female role and the important part is that the less you try to control them and every situation, the better things will be. It is unhealthy if either person is controlling, dominating, degrading, abusive, etc.

    And guess what- all the same loser guys that are clueless with women, they won’t ever learn. It isn’t inside of them to be any different, and sometimes girls make the wrong decisions and end up with those same losers. You can’t argue with the essence of emotional attraction and that is why no matter what a woman says on a logical level about what she wants, or about not being happy with a guy she is with for obvious reasons, the emotional part says otherwise.

    The more guys embrace their femininity, their emotions, and stop caring about how other guys or society views them, the better they will get with finding the right woman. And my ultimate goal has always been fall in love with one girl. A monogomous relationship. I don’t watch nor need porn, ever. It portrays women as objects as Lisa said. And why would I want to watch a fake display of dirty physically oriented sex. I want my sex to be real, engulfed in true love, passionate, and emotional.

    I don’t fantasize about sex. I fantasize about an emotional connection with a girl who can give me evertyhing that will complete me and share her love. While I do the same for her. I have no desire to sleep with anyone until I am in love. I don’t care how I am viewed, I know what I want, what’s right for me, and generally what women want and what’s right for them. And I feel just like they do on so many things. It gives me that inside advantage and it really could help other guys if they just embraced what’s inside , instead of trying so hard to fight their so called vulnerabilities with their misguided clueless male trappings.

    Vulnerability, emotions, feeling, love, passion, energy, desire, sincerity, loyalty… are just some of what fills my heart and what I am looking for in the heart of the right girl for me.


  • sean

    Furthermore, stop whining for more masculinity. there is too much testosterone and masculinity already in this fucking world. We don’t need more so called masculinity. This author is just like most other typical males. As much as he claims to support women’s rights, feminism, etc. He still talks and expresses a biased male view in which he really wants women to stop fighting for what should be given to them and just give in to male dominance and power. That’s what he really wants. And it’s what most ‘masculine’ guys want as well.

    We need more femininity in this world and society in my opinion. More feminism as well. The core values and beliefs of feminism (if guys would take the time to actually understand them) are the building blocks of what makes the human race beautiful. It is alive and empowers most women and gives them all the far advanced tools they have to run circles around men in pretty much everything. More importantly it makes women truly closer to godliness and very special.

    There lies another problem for the male demographic, they cannot and will not stand for women being better at anything. Nor admit to it.
    They have to control, win, hurt, force themselves, and fuck over every person and situation so they can be on top so to speak!

    And If women are taking a more ‘masculine’ role in relationships you could have fooled me. They are quite content to be who they are. They are dissatisfied with the males who don’t fulfill their roles nor truly show women their emotions, feelings, and inevitably what’s inside their heart. It’s all always games, physical gratification, bragging about conquests, and continuing to objectify the same women these idiots have the sole objective of sleeping with.

  • I always be myself when dating with a woman and I really enjoyed it. But this is a great article and thanks for sharing…

  • Imogen

    Thank you for this article. I found it through searching for discussions regarding Deida’s works, most of which I have read, and thoroughly enjoyed. It is through reading his works, that I have become more self-aware and discovered that I am a far more naturally feminine woman than my previous behaviour and self-reflection indicated. I read some of his more “dangerous” ideas in The Way of the Superior Man, and found it difficult to be brutally honest, but then was completely delighted and overjoyed when I embraced the truth in myself. I have missed so much!!!

    Some of the criticisms of his and your perspective seem to come from a presumption that if a woman receives her man and he directs his woman, that the woman will then not be heard fully, that she will be in an inferior position, etc…, and also that if she doesn’t open up to receiving him and his direction, she can’t have a relationship with a man. Obviously, she can, and most do. The issue is polarity, not the social arrangement of the couple. Of course she can direct him and trust her own masculine abilities more than his (and sometimes with warrant), but the point is, that when she directs him, in that moment, there can be no attraction to one another. In that moment, he accepts her as a colleague, another version of a man, because that is how she is behaving- like him, and he fully relates to that- no attraction, no mystery. There is no polarity in that moment.

    Fine. BUT, when each day is characterised by moment after moment of this same non-polarity, there is just no room or time or moments LEFT for polarity, for difference, for attraction. She becomes like him. A he becomes like her. They relate in the most personal ways. And there is no polarity, no opposite- all the same.

    That’s the issue. It isn’t that she ought to be able to act however she likes. Of course, she can, but if she acts like her man, directing, acting in his stead or on her own behalf at every turn, there will be no attraction. And usually, neither one understands what happened or why. This is why.

    So if sexual attraction is important to you, then polarity must be cultivated where it has been overgrown by sameness.

    The way a woman is still equal is in that the reciprocity is in her responsiveness to his direction. He directs, she responds with truth and openness of *feeling* (not directions! Just how she feels in the place he took her- hot, cold, insecure, frustrated, overjoyed- with dramatic expressions!!!), so he has a way to know if he’s on-track. Not because he can’t know otherwise (just like she doesn’t need him to take care of her, but chooses to defer to his direction and presence because it is more enjoyable than her own), but because learning the world through the feeling and sensing lens of a woman is so pleasing and myriad times more enjoyable and lively than to do it himself. She responds to his directions fully through her sensing and feeling, and by this she is free to simply BE the love that she is, innately. And he is free to be the presence, the consciousness that penetrates through the vastness of her feeling, where both- one directing/penetrating, the other receiving/opening, the two merge as love- which is beyond equality.

    So, the issue is always about what each person wants. And attraction is always borne or polarity, so if this has been occluded by behaviours, the initial attraction that brought two people together is still there, just not expressed. It can be uncovered, disinterred, and emerge brightly as the first glance that lit the fire in the beginning. It is all still there. If one or both decide that they want their independence more than that fire, they can live as they do, or separate.

    No need to take offense- no ability to, actually, since the passion that they don’t want in love is the sort that allows offense to be taken. So, if these ideas are offensive, one might have a look to see if the passion they think they don’t want or need is not being misplaced into arguments with concepts rather than lighting up the polarity they are afraid to gift to themselves and their man or woman.

    As a formerly self-sufficient woman, I recommend reading The Way of the Superior Man to *women* because we are entrenched in masculine communication styles and ways of viewing the feminine from a distance (within ourselves, but nonetheless), and then the other books (Dear Lover, Finding God Through Sex, Blue Truth, etc…). Deida communicates very, very clearly in The Way of the Superior Man. I understood more about myself from the way he writes about women in that book than I did from the others. I realised that I truly WANTED what he said I did, and that it was the opposite of what I thought, was taught to expect, and had learned to evoke from my man. Amazing.

    I have been with my man for over 10 years. This information has changed our life together. Our four boys and little girl are benefiting from it also, as we learn how the feminine and masculine interact relationally, and in the world. I see everyone differently now. I can give unending compassion and love (through any emotion, even anger), where before, I struggled with resentment and the contradiction that I felt, which was that I had so much love to give, and it wasn’t arising naturally the way I knew deep down, it is meant to.

    My man’s presence *is* the world to me. And my openness of feeling and expression are his life. This is how equality looks when it comes from, and goes to, love.

    Thank you, Stephen, for sharing your wisdom, and your work here.

  • Imogen

    An aside:

    A previous poster wrote that anger is a choice like any other emotion. This is grave misunderstanding of the feminine. It is like saying that consciousness is a choice. Is it? Really? How would you know if that were true?

    A feeling for a woman, is not the words used to describe a situation, the way it is for most men. It is an enormous energy, all-encompassing, and a life of it’s own, moving through the body and mind of a woman. The choice is in whether or not she will suppress it and hold that energy inside of her (deteriorating her health, usually), or allow it to flow with ease through her, moving her body and mind as a vast wave in the ocean moves within its own waters. Then it passes, and the energy keeps moving.

    Using the word “choice” to describe the entrance of a feeling, is at best a major conflation, but more to the point, a misunderstanding. It is much like the idea that we create our thoughts. Try it. Create a thought. Right now. A brand new thought, not arising from what has already been thought or from the environment, and be the first human in existence to do this miraculous thing.

    Thoughts are also their own little entities. They come, and we choose whether or not to cultivate them in our minds, to invite others like them or not, to let them pass through or to propagate them through sharing them with others or mulling them over until other thoughts like them come too.

    This may seem mystical, but I think our language is just too limited to describe it any other way, though I find it to be just natural.

    Most people don’t experience emotions the way they come. Rather they experience the very unpleasant feelings of resisting those emotions. They experience the tension in the kink of a hose, rather than the flow of the water that would otherwise flow through and out.

    Most people are afraid of emotions, and afraid of themselves. This is why so many come to believe that the inception of emotions and thoughts is a human choice, against the stark reality that they are not. They just are. Like zebras. Zebras are not a human choice. They just are. Emotions are. Thoughts are. Love is. It seems to me that we pretend to control the unseen when the seen is so clearly out of our control.

    Better to embrace life. Fully.

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